Score: 18% ———-

Recommended for: Boneheads who want to waste their money.

Value for money: 1/5
Dude… You’re in Paris!! What the hell are you staying in a plastic shell that resembles an insane asylum?

Cleanliness: 2/5
This really relates to the first two rooms we were shown. Spilt coffee was all over one room. The toilet hadn’t been flushed or cleaned in the other. The third room I was given though, was spotless.

Facilities: 1/5
Food and drinks are available for a rip-off price from giant mechanical fridges. At least there’s free wi-fi. Don’t know how long that will last though, you have to give them an email address to sign up so they can spam the living crap out of you.

Location: 0.5/5
Out of the way. Far away from any metro station, which is the only way you can get around. There’s no vibe and you may as well be staying at a hotel in the town you come from. It’s cheap, but… you’re doing it wrong. That being said, I’m not singling out this one ETAP hotel. There’s an F1 hotel next to it and I guarantee it has the same vibe. Cheap, but wrong.

Staff: 0/5
This is the first time I’ve given a zero. On being given two dirty small plastic chambers, we decided we didn’t want to stay anymore. Lucky for us we’d only paid for one night. On asking for our money back they flat-out refused. After half-an-hour of arguments they agreed to give us our money back, but it would involve a heap of paperwork and weeks of emailing back and forth. We stayed to save the hassle but looked for a quainter place to stay for the next three nights in Montmartre. The real Montmartre. Also. Here’s a free tip for you. The suburb of Montmartre is where you want to stay. It’s an easy walk to the Sacre Coeur, where you can overlook all of Paris and visit the basilica. Although this particular hotel has the word “Montmartre” in it’s title, it is nowhere near the real suburb of Montmartre.